Reflections at Five Weeks on Testosterone

Reflections at Five Weeks on Testosterone
By Max Sparrow

2017_08_03_James_Spader_Max
A photo of Max Sparrow, wearing a dark t-shirt with grey gears, an open dark plaid short sleeve shirt, a green ball cap, metal frame glasses and a James Spader-esque smile.

It’s just a matter of time.

And not that much time, in an objective assessment. A year. Maybe two. No more than six on the outside.

It’s just a matter of time before I am playing with bristle brushes, beard oil, and moustache wax.

Just a matter of time before I look really striking in suspenders, a bow tie, a vintage 20s suit.

Just a matter of time before my pronouns shift from “preferred” to “assumed.”¹

Just a matter of time before I can go to a barbershop and ask for a fade and only have to point out the cowlick up front (from the stitches where my brother busted my head open with a wooden block to see what would happen). Just a matter of time before I WON’T have to ask the barber to please NOT try to feminize the cut.

Just a matter of time before, “can I help you, sir?” is no longer followed by, “oh, I’m sorry.”

Just a matter of time before I can walk into a locker room with confidence and take off my shirt, knowing the scars (and tattoos) are barely noticed and I have become ordinary, invisible, one of the guys.

It’s just a matter of time. And all time costs is time. It’s just life, right? That thing that happens, as John Lennon sang, while we’re busy making other plans.

I’ve got patience. And time. Instead of longing to skip over my own life, I can enjoy the ride, observing my second puberty with the attention of a scientist, a sociologist, a meditator, a writer.

It is the biggest thing I have ever done with my life. I am grateful it takes time. Growth — whether of one’s children or of one’s self — flies by so fast. Savor the process. Enjoy the ride.

It’s just a matter of time.

 


¹ I have the privilege of being comfortable with being misgendered as male or a man despite being metagender and an epicene. Not all non-binary people have this privilege. Do not make pronoun assumptions based on one non-binary person being okay with they/them *and* he/his. Not all non-binary people want or accept gendered pronouns.

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